


Two Cars

by Scmnz



Category: Good Omens (TV), Lemon Demon (Musician), Two Trucks (Song)
Genre: Background Aziraphale/Crowley, Background Newt/Anathema, Bad Puns, Humor, I'm not sorry, Other, Song Lyrics, car "sex" as in cars having sex, crackfic, nothing too graphic though, rating: who the fuck knows, smut??? debatably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 22:16:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20881559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scmnz/pseuds/Scmnz
Summary: But then, the Bentley saw Dick Turpin.An unfamiliar beat replaced the classic.Two cars having sexTwo cars having sexMy muscles, my musclesInvoluntarily flex“What the fuck,” Aziraphale said flatly.





	Two Cars

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a joke post on tumblr saying the Bentley/Dick Turpin was the ultimate Good Omens ship, and that was right next to a different post about Two Trucks, and this just sort of happened.

Aziraphale and Crowley sped down the road into Tadfield in the Bentley. As usual, Crowley was paying distressingly little attention to traffic, safety, or the legality of his driving. 

“Crowley!” Aziraphale chided. “Must you be so reckless?”

“Demon, remember?” He said. Even as they entered the small town, Crowley kept the same distressing speed. Then without any warning, the Bentley skidded to a stop in front of a red light. Aziraphale was thrown roughly against his seatbelt and glared. Crowley simply smirked. “But for you, I’ll make an exception. See, following the traffic laws”

“Only when it’s inconvenient for me, apparently,” he muttered fixing his tie. 

Across the street from them, Aziraphale noticed a familiar car. In it were Newt and Anathema. The Bentley’s radio had been blaring “We Will Rock You” until this moment. But then, the Bentley saw Dick Turpin.

An unfamiliar beat replaced the classic. Aziraphale raised his eyebrows at Crowley who shrugged. “I’ve never heard this before.”

“Neither have I.”

Then, the lyrics started. 

_ Two cars having sex _

_ Two cars having sex _

_ My muscles, my muscles _

_ Involuntarily flex _

“What the fuck,” Aziraphale said flatly. “Is this a prank of some kind.”

“No, angel.” Crowley stared around his car in complete bewilderment. “Not my doing.”

The traffic light turned green. Crowley’s foot was not on the pedal, but the Bentley jerked forward without his influence anyway. He slammed the brakes; they did absolutely nothing. Across the street, Aziraphale noticed, the other car was behaving similarly and his passengers were as panicked as they were. 

After a few more failed attempts at braking Newt and Anathema scrambled from their car. The doors were unlocked, as if the car were hoping they would leave. Aziraphale’s eyes widened in terror as the other vehicle picked up speed. 

Crowley was far more stubborn and showed no signs of being willing to escape ship. He swore and thumped the steering wheel in frustration. Aziraphale, ever the more sensible of the two, (or so he believed at least) grabbed him by the collar and hauled them both out of the Bentley. Crowley cursed and struggled the entire way.

The Bentley speed up to meet Dick Turpin, and the two zoomed off into the sunset as their respective owners watched in bewildered rage and fear. 

_ Two cars having sex (oh yes) _

_ Two cars having sex (oh yes) _

_ My muscles (UH) My muscles (UH) _

_ Involuntarily flex _

  
  


They sped along the road until they came to a secluded (sexcluded haha) parking lot. Dick Turpin did a u-turn and gazed longingly at the Bentley. The same song was blasting through both of their radios, making their feelings and intentions clear. The rhythms were in time with each other, like their hearts would be if they had anything quite so fleshy. 

They drove closer together the intensity and horniness building. When the hornieness was too strong to contain, Dick Turpin honked. 

This only served to get the Bentley’s engine going even faster. He revved, driving slowly and purposefully to Dick Turpin’s rear. He paused for a moment, enjoying the view. Dick tensed in anticipation, lowering on his axel. After a final lingering glance the Bentley inched forward, lifting his front wheels and gently driving forward until he was on top of the other car.

Both motors were running loud and hard as they clanged against each other. They jerked violently in their passion, and had there been any passengers they would have been flung from their seats. 

After much exertion they stilled. If cars could sweat they would both be very sweaty indeed. As it was hot metal cooled, and engines slowed to a contented purr. They rested like that together for several long moments before the Bentley rolled down and nuzzled his hood against Dick Turpin, who winked his headlights at him in return. 

They drove a short distance together to the top of a hill to watch the sunset. 

_ Two cars holding hands _

_ Two cars holding hands _

_ The passion, the passion _

_ Is more than I can withstand _

  
  
  


The cars sat at the top of a hill as night fell and crickets chirped. Their front passenger doors were open and touching, the closest two vehicles could come to holding hands. They had attempted cuddling, but that hadn’t worked all that well for two solid beings made of metal. In a few hours, they would drive back to their respective owners, but this time was for them, and they were happy. 

___

  
  


In the months that followed the “incident” things returned to mostly normal. But occasionally Crowley would find the Bentley gone for a few days, or Newt would find himself suddenly ejected from his car and left stranded. 

This was less worrying than the rumors that were spreading. Rumors of people finding two cars out in the middle of nowhere in compromising positions. Sometimes, the rumors involved car boots (bondage) or car washes (shower sex) or other worryingly kinky things.

_ Two cars (having sex) _

_ Two cars (having sex) _

_ Two cars (having sex, having sex, having sex) _

_ Two cars (having sex) _

_ Two cars (having sex) _

_ Two cars (having sex, having sex, having sex) _

__ 

Epilogue: 

About a year after the supernatural car troubles began, Dick Turpin vanished for several months. The Bentley also disappeared for long stretches of time, supposedly visiting his car husband. 

Aziraphale and Crowley were visiting Tadfield again, discussing the issue with Newt and Anathema. Would Newt’s car need to be replaced? Would they have to follow the Bentley to track it down? Did they even  _ want _ to know what the Bentley and Dick Turpin had been up to all these months? 

They heard the sound of engines. Looking out the window of Anathema's cottage, they saw three sets of headlights. 

“Oh no” groaned Newt. 

“Am I grandfather?” Crowley said, looking faint.

“Grandfathers” Aziraphale smiled. “Well, I’ll be damned.”

In the driveway between Dick Turpin and the Bentley sat a tiny smart car. The Bentley gleamed in the moonlight,  _ radiating _ pride. Dick Turpin looked tired but happy. 

Crowley swore. The smart car was tartan. Aziraphale beamed. 


End file.
